No Girl's Girl? Yes, Patriarchy Can Wear Heels Too

“The truth is: patriarchy is a toxic system for every gender.”

They say the witch wound runs deep — but so does the sister wound. While one kept us afraid to show our power, the other kept us afraid of each other. In corporate boardrooms, digital spaces, and even sacred circles, women still whisper about other women:

“How did she get that job? She must’ve slept with the boss.”

Or the backhanded compliment disguised as concern:

“She’s just a bit… intense.”

Let’s be clear: this isn’t about blaming women. It’s about unbinding ourselves from the spells we never chose, but learned to cast anyway. It’s about facing the uncomfortable truth: that when women tear each other down, we’re often just echoing what the system taught us — that there’s only room for one of us at the top. But that’s not the truth.That’s the lie patriarchy feeds us to keep us competing instead of collaborating, judging instead of celebrating. If we’re serious about dismantling the system, we need to look not just outward — but inward.

Image by Jess Foami from Pixabay

How We Unknowingly Uphold the Rules We Never Wrote

The most dangerous part of patriarchal conditioning is that it's often invisible — especially to those who think they’ve outgrown it. You don’t need to quote Jordan Peterson or sit on a CEO panel to be playing by the patriarchy’s rulebook. Sometimes, it’s the side-eye when another woman speaks too confidently.The silent judgment when she dares to want more.The quick dismissal of her anger as “drama” instead of justified rage. These aren’t just random moments — they’re signs of a deeper system. One that taught us to see other women not as allies, but as competition.

“There’s only one seat at the table for someone like you — so fight for it. Defend it. Protect it from her.”

We absorb these rules through micro-messages: From mothers, movies, managers, media. From classrooms, colleagues, and culture. Without realizing it, we internalize those codes — and then enforce them ourselves.

This is what internalized misogyny looks like:

• Thinking a female colleague’s success must be tied to charm rather than competence.

• Believing there’s a “right” way to be a woman — not too loud, not too bold, not too hard, but always 'feminine'

• Withholding praise because you fear it makes you smaller.

• Measuring your worth in comparison to another woman’s downfall.

And yes — many of us do this while proudly calling ourselves feminists. Because awareness isn’t the same as liberation. And healing isn’t always loud. Sometimes it starts in the quiet spaces where we ask ourselves uncomfortable questions — and listen.

Breaking the Spell: Healing the Sister Wound and Recentering Ourselves

Patriarchy means centering men. Everything — power, success, beauty, ambition — is measured in proximity to them. We’re taught to orbit their needs, their attention, their gaze. (And yes — Patriarchy is harmful to men, too. But that’s another story.)

For women, this orbit creates a subtle war. Not just with the system, but with each other. Because if male approval is the currency, we’re taught to compete for it — in meetings, on social media, even in our friendships. But what if we stopped spinning in that orbit?

What if we decentered men — not out of spite, but out of sovereignty?

In a patriarchal world, power is hoarded. In a witch’s world, power is shared.

Unlike the ladder, the cauldron has no top — only depth. It calls us to gather, not to climb. To stir, not to compete. To rise with the steam — not by pushing someone else down. When we stop seeing each other through the lens of scarcity, we begin to remember who we are: Not rivals, but reflections. Not threats, but sacred mirrors.

A Spell for Sisterhood: A Closing Ritual

If this stirred something in you — guilt, relief, recognition, resistance — let it. Let it be a soft unraveling. Not a punishment, but a potion.We’ve all cast harmful spells without meaning to.We’ve all been both the wound and the healer.

Try this:

Light a candle. Write down a belief about other women that no longer serves you. Burn it, bury it, or speak it into smoke.Then write a new one — a vow, a truth, a remembering.

Your new spell might sound like:

I vow to unlearn the stories that pit us against each other. I choose to see other women not as threats, but as mirrors. I honor the magic in her — and the magic in me.

Because the real revolution won’t be televised. It will be whispered between women who refuse to betray each other any longer It will be cast in conference rooms, in comment sections, in moonlit kitchens. It will sound like:“I see you. I’ve got you. Let’s rise together.”

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 Further Reading & Reflection

• 10 Signs of Internalized Sexism and Gaslighting – Psychology Today

  A clear overview of the subtle ways we—often unconsciously—reproduce internalized sexism: from self-doubt to the devaluation of other women.

• The Pick-Me Problem – Psychology Today

  A feminist look at how some women position themselves above others to gain male approval — and what that means for sisterhood and solidarity.

• Hostile and Benevolent Sexism: Two Sides of the Same Coin – Psychology Today

  Amber Wardell explores how even "benevolent" sexism reinforces power imbalances — and why we must name and unlearn both forms to truly heal.

• It’s Time to Break the Cycle of Female Rivalry – Harvard Business Review

  Mikaela Kiner explores why women often hold each other back in the workplace — and how we can actively break this cycle.

• Patriarchy Stress Disorder – Dr. Valerie Rein

  A groundbreaking book revealing how deeply patriarchal patterns shape our nervous systems — and how we can begin to break free and heal.

• A Feminist Philosopher Makes the Case Against Jordan Peterson – Vox

  A powerful conversation with philosopher Kate Manne on the gendered logic behind Peterson’s “12 Rules for Life” — offering a deep critique of systemic misogyny.